Welcome to my site......
A page of random thoughts about nothing in particular.
"Sir, if you were
my husband, I would poison your drink. --Madam, if you were my wife, I would
drink it." -
"My mistakes are my life." - Samuel Beckett
6/20/08 - One of my oldest & dearest friends suggested for the sake of my sanity maybe I should keep a daily log of my life, and take time to review it every now and again. I always blew it off, but I finally gave in & figured I'd give it a shot. Besides, I have this little slice of the net so this seemed like the perfect place to document my "daily experiences".
I don't know how often I'll actually be doing this, but who cares really. Not many know this site exists & of those who do, no one is ever going to take the time to check it out or read any of my endless ramblings. (Lets hope not, or I may end up locked away someplace...LoL)
Perhaps, if this site outlives me, it will provide some insight to my family and friends as to the thoughts that rattled around my mind. Maybe I'm more than what they thought, maybe less........
7/1/08 - There's a company I "work with" that's just one of those places, that when I'm feeling down, or I'm having a bad day, I know I can go there and escape for a few minutes. Sometimes I look for reasons or excuses to go. It kinda reminds me of Barney Miller & the 12th Precinct. The way they interact, the way they go about the daily routine. Maybe it's more like the psychiatrist Dr. Sidney Friedman, and the 4077th. He would go there just to escape the insanity around him. Who knows. All I know is they're good people, they always welcome me, and I'm sure anyone of them could talk me off a ledge.
When Ernie gets Sally-Jessie & Dr. Righteous goin it's just indescribable!!!
8/7/08 - I've been in the F.D. for quite a few years now. I've seen & dealt with things that no one should ever have to see or deal with. People in the most dire situations imaginable, at their absolute worst. It never got to me. I could crawl into a car at an accident scene to help extricate a little girl who wouldn't let go of her dead Mom or leave her blood soaked teddy bear behind. Or respond to a suicide where someone has blown their brains all over their bedroom wall, and in both cases an hour later be eating pizza or lasagna while bitching about how bad the Yankees were doing, and how bad MY life sucked.
Sick & twisted as it sounds, sometimes the gallows humor helps keep the Boogey Man away or at least it used to.
Back in '93 a counselor at a debriefing following a particularly bad call told me that I was like a "time bomb waiting to go off", and she hoped I would be able to deal with it all when clock hit zero. I'm afraid the timer is ticking. For several nights now I've been having very clear nightmares of several of the unfortunate souls I've encountered. Nightmares that wake me up in a cold sweat, shaking like a leaf. I don't think I'm losing it, but maybe I've just had enough or maybe I need a vacation.
I guess this is where this site was a good idea. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this stuff (Except maybe the cat), but this page at least provides me with a sounding board, or a release point.
8/12/08 - The nightmares have stopped. Don't know what that was all about. Not sure I wanna know. I do know I still won't be going on any calls in the near future.
9/17/08 - Been a while. Been busy. Where has the summer gone? Won't be long, and the leaves will be falling, followed by the snow. - I guess they were right, the older you get, the faster time flies by. I'll be going to the Firemen's convention soon. This year it's in Gettysburg. This should be interesting. I've always liked history.
9/30/08 - Convention was good. I wish Mongo could've been there. I miss our times together. I really enjoyed seeing the battlefield, & just the whole atmosphere of that town. I will have to return there someday when I have more time to soak it all in.
10/4/08 - Not sure exactly why, but lately I've been catching myself thinking alot about what might've been for me. Professionally, my job is what it is. It's a job & in today's world, I guess I'm pretty fortunate in that respect.
Personally, there's so many things I wish I could change. Music has always played a big part in my life. Not sure exactly why, it just seems to relate somehow. It's like there's a soundtrack to my life. - Weird, I know. Anyway, there's a song that says, "It's better to have lost at love then to have never loved at all." - Don't know about that one. I've been in love a grand total of twice in my almost 40 years. Well, maybe twice. The first time, what I thought was love, was more a case of me being an immature idiot & of selfishness on my part. I was young, and stupid. I thought I knew what love was, and thought I was ready for the responsibilities that love brings to the table. Boy was I wrong!!
I think this quote sums it up pretty well for me:
Immature love says: "I love you because
I need you." Mature love says: "I need you because I love you."
ERICH FROMM
The second time - Yeah, that was / is the real thing. I say "was" because once again I allowed my own selfishness and insecurities to lead the way. She held the door open on what could've been, & being the ass that I am, I slammed it shut right in her face.
As for the "is". I'm still in love with her, always will be, but she's happily married and in the end, that's all that matters. She's happy.
I still have the memories. There are many, but probably the most vivid is a summer night on a vista in the middle of nowhere. Under a sky full of stars our relationship went to the next level emotionally. It was so incredible, a song came on and it was as though something just clicked. Life seemed so "right". One verse of the song says: "Maybe I'm dreaming, don't want to wake up now. Baby, I love you, I always knew it somehow....Dreaming & hoping that dreams come true....You're my religion, girl, I've been livin for you." As the song played we just stood face to face and held hands. I told her the song said what I couldn't. She asked if I really knew what the words meant and what the song was saying. For the first and last time in my life, nothing was clearer.
Hopefully she never sees this site. I don't know how she'd react and it wouldn't be fair for me to drudge up all that. Like I said, she's happy, and that's all that counts.
One of the last things my "loving" ex-wife (1st "love") said to me was: "You're going to end up a very lonely, bitter, old man."
She's probably right, but I'll go to my grave with the memory of my "Lady" & that night at the vista.
I am a fool.
10/18/08 - My Brother got married today. My new Sister-In-Law is cool, and I believe she truly brings out the best in him. It's good to see him happy. In fact, I can't recall a time I've seen him happier. I pick on her alot for being a ditzy blonde, but she's a good egg. The ceremony was different to say the least. I somehow ended up being the flower girl, holding her bouquet during parts of the service.
10/26/08 - I just can't shake the feeling that someone important to me is going through a tough time of some sort right now. I don't who or what, but something seems "off" somehow. Who knows, I'm probably just being an idiot, but I just can't shake it.
11/7/08 - Went to NYC today. Unfortunately I had to go along with my boss to fire someone. - I hate going there to begin with, but the reason for the trip makes it that much worse.
11/9/08 - I finally hooked up my scanner and scanned in the old family crest. I've seen may different variations of McKee family crests online before, but never found the one that I grew up with. So, here it is. "Can I get a whoooaaa Bundy?!?"
11/17/08 - Work has been driving me nuts. This job is becoming more and more of a "lifestyle". I honestly wonder how long I can keep it all together.
Then there's the firehouse. We're one big family, albeit a bit on the dysfunctional side. It's actually more of a brotherhood. I've made some life long friends there, and have had the honor of working along side some of the bravest men & women you could imagine. I don't do the firefighting thing anymore because while the spirit is willing my body, well, it's pretty much a train-wreck. I just kinda stay out of the way and watch the youngsters do their thing. What a group.... I know our department is very fortunate, but the amount of talent and dedication we are lucky enough to have among our ranks never ceases to amaze me.
Elections were held tonight. Not much drama there until the end.
I have been in the department for almost 19 years. I've been the Ambulance Captain for the last 16 of those years. I've been the President for the last 3 years and ran unopposed again this year for both positions - I'm obviously "knot reel thmart".
Anyway.....Our by-laws state the President doesn't vote unless there's a tie. I kinda like being in that position, sorta "above the frey". I don't recall there ever being a tie, until tonight........ I was faced with making a decision regarding an office involving 2 good friends. Needless to say it wasn't easy.
11/19/08 - I have the pleasure of working with a good group of people. I can honestly say that's about the only thing I enjoy about my job anymore. There is one young man in particular that just makes the whole daily "slosh" through the crap worthwhile. He's young, and full of life and hope. It's refreshing to see someone who hasn't reached the point where, or maybe allowed, life to beat the hope and spirit out of him. He's a hard worker, and he's getting better & better at his job everyday. I'll never admit any of this to him of course, but he has impressed me with his work ethic and dedication. He's very tenacious, and won't back down from a challenge. He doesn't like to admit defeat. We just need to pull the reins in on him every now and then so he doesn't run over his own foot. He's also very gullible. Some of the things we pull on him are just so far out there it's hard to believe he ACTUALLY believes us sometimes.
The boys at "The 12th Precinct" anointed him with the name "Scrappy Doo" because his personality just fits that character perfectly, and we couldn't agree more.
Others in our group have nicknames as well. We have a "Schneider", a "Baby-Bear", a "Putz", "Col. Klink", "Gen. Burkhalter", "Schultzie", "Hogan", "Mom", and a "BoB". As for me, I've been tagged with quite a few over the years. Currently, I'm either "Pappa-Bear", "Shaggy", or "Major Hochstetter".
What a zoo...............
11/21/08 - Spent most of today trying to avoid work. - Just had no ambition whatsoever. Don't get me wrong, I did spend some of the day on work, but for the most part, it was a lost day for me. Just couldn't focus. This of course led to pretty much non-stop abuse of Scrappy. He's all a flitter because he got up early and waited in line to get one of the new Blackberry "Storm" phones. I'm not much on all the high tech gadgets, I would almost prefer a phone with a rotary dial.....
Other than that, not much going on hare at the Ponderosa. Tomorrow's big events include going to the grocery store. (Oh boy!!) Then later I'm chaperoning another 18 & under dance for the F.D. - Did this last Friday night and that was an experience. I should've done an entry for that evening, but I wouldn't know where to begin. - The kids, the noise (music), the feeling that I AM getting old.....Maybe if I can sum up the courage I'll post something about tomorrow night.
11/30/08 - Been busy with work. - I REALLY need a vacation, but that's not going to happen any time soon. Chaperoned the dance on 11/22, what a joy....It actually wasn't bad until about 9:30 p.m. when these 3 kids showed up who were dressed like something from a different world. - Full face makeup, pants that you could fit 2 of them in, and chains. - I almost told them they were a little late for Halloween, but decided to just keep my mouth shut. (1st time that's happened.) I also helped out with the one last Friday. That was supposed to be the last one but the kids all wanted to have another one so this Friday it's all on again.
12/3/08 - Getting ready for year end processing at work. - No New Year celebration for me this year again. I'm really thinking it's time for me to move on to something new for personal as well as professional reasons, but with the economy that's probably not going to happen.
More to Come As Time Allows.
For anybody bored enough to read this dribble - Get a life. Take care, be safe.
Dave